(For those who do not know Bimal's story, please visit the Justice for Bimal Facebook page. )
(Previous Post: September 9, 2012 - Bimal and Tina)
This is what the bar in my kitchen looks like. Today. Right now.
It's a catch-all for a lot of objects, letters, magazines, trinkets, junk, etc. I go through it periodically and am able to trash a good portion, or file the rest away. But I've found that there are always "some things" that just never seem to leave.
*Some things that somehow always remain in plain sight.
*Some things that are so important or so urgent that they have to be visible at all times.
*Some things that are so valuable that I am afraid to risk filing them away, never to be seen again.
*Some things that I absolutely cannot forget.
The program from Bimal's funeral is one of these "some things". I don't look at it every day. I don't open it and read the words. I don't relive the tragedy of his death and I don't mourn him every second of every day. But I need this constant reminder of what happened, because in my heart I cannot fathom that he is dead. Bimal is vibrant. Bimal is life, and love, and laughter. Bimal is joy and hope. I honestly cannot conceive of a world in which something so horrible could happen to someone so wonderful. Every time I see his picture I don't remember that he's gone, I just remember Bimal. And a smile comes to my face, and I think "I wonder what Bimal is doing"....and then I remember. And it baffles me, and it breaks my heart.
I've known lots of people who have died in my lifetime. That's what people do. Eventually, everything must come to an end and everyone must die. You mourn, and you move on. Later, when you think of them, it is with fondness as you remember who they WERE, not who they are, because you know in your heart that they are gone.
But I haven't been able to move on and I think there are a lot of us who haven't. There is no closure for me because his death makes no sense at all. I was at his funeral. I heard the songs and I listened to the stories. I cried with my family and my friends. I mourned...but I didn't move on.
The trial was this past week. I think a lot of us believed it would bring about some closure. I certainly hoped that it would. But it didn't. Every time I saw his picture on Facebook or in a news article, my initial response was to smile and think, "I wonder what Bimal is doing..." I don't know if anyone can fathom how many times I have seen his face in the last week, and how many times I have remembered what happened to him, and how many times I have found myself completely at a loss, and unable to explain how that could happen.
Bimal and I didn't remain the best of friends in adulthood, he was never my boyfriend and we never had a romantic relationship, he wasn't the person who pushed me into making a career decision or gave me advice on life....but despite all that, he was still one of the most important people in my life. He was one of my crew. I cherished him just as I cherished all of my closest friends. In almost every single memory I have of my youth, he is there. His happy, smiling face and his infectious laugh pervade my thoughts and my memories. I loved him. I still love him. Everyone who was fortunate enough to call him a friend understands how special he was. And every single one understands exactly how it feels when you "remember". I hope that God can bring all of us some peace and closure.
And to Bimal's family...I am so very sorry because I know that your loss is so much greater than ours. My heart goes out to you.
Bimal, rest in peace my friend. I will never forget you.
(For those who do not know Bimal's story, please visit the Justice for Bimal Facebook page. )
