The LOVE of the Nicotine-Craving Monster

The decision to quit smoking is difficult, but why?

Common sense tells us that smoking is bad. Smokers are surrounded by influences that tell us daily that we should quit. We hear it constantly from friends, family, coworkers, people on the street, random strangers (who think we genuinely care what they have to say), mainstream media, etc. But we rarely listen. Why?

Because people who love to smoke literally LOVE to smoke. I wish every day that smoking wasn't bad, because I enjoy it so much. Do I stink? Sure. Does it ruin my teeth, skin, and nails? Yep! Do I get that scratchy smokers voice? Absolutely! Deep down, do I care? NOPE.

Being a smoker opens up social outlets that are closed to non-smokers. We get together at bars to unwind and have a drink. We shoot pool and talk strategy in between long, luxurious puffs. We escape together periodically throughout the day to complain about work, talk about our lives, or just mellow out and enjoy the moment. Some of the best relationships I've ever made were forged around the smoky embers of an ashtray.

Those of you who are non-smokers cannot possibly begin to imagine why we smoke and why, when you all begin to rant and rave and rag on us about how stupid we are, we mentally take all your words turn them into a great big "bird" and tell you right where you can put all those opinions.At least I do!

There's another reason I love to smoke. It's irrational, and immature, you will probably think I've lost my mind. In my previous post, I talked about giving up all my wild crazy partying days and stepping into the role of the mature responsible adult. I wake up at 5, go to work, pay my bills, clean my home, cook my husband dinner, mind my Ps and Qs, treat everyone kindly and with courtesy. I don't drink, don't party, don't flirt with other men. I'm an honest, law abiding, do-gooding citizen...I live the life of a perfectly respectable adult.

And guess what... it's BORING. There! I said it! It's BORING. A lighter and pack of cigarettes have been the last strands of rebellion I've had as I've transitioned between adolescence and adulthood. It's the only socially acceptable means I have of stamping my feet and saying, "YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!!" And the fact that everyone says it's bad for me has made it so deliciously sweet.

So I've given all these reasons to explain why I love to smoke. But there is one reality that is overriding everything else...these cigarettes are going to kill me. I want to still be flippant and not care. I want to toss off the knowledge, grab my coat, and run outside to smoke 3 in a row. But this rough bout of pneumonia has shown me that I'm not invincible. And smoking for the sake of rebellion is not worth losing a lung, or worse, my life.

The decision to quit smoking, has been almost as difficult as the decision to end a bad relationship. I'm ending an era of my life, one that was full of great friends and experiences and turning in my last ticket to irresponsibility and frivolity. The hardest part is knowing that I have to go back to work in a week. I'm not looking forward to it. I don't want to hear the smug congratulations from the non-smokers who have pestered me for the past 2 years. I don't want to see the knowing looks on their faces when they find out I've been out with pneumonia. I'm not looking forwards to sitting inside my tiny cubical for 9 hours on end without sunlight or fresh air. And how will I make it without seeing all my 'friends' during our short 7 minute breaks?

I know this is the Nicotine-Craving Monster talking, and not the real me. But we been joined at the hip so long it's hard to tell where she stops and I begin. Prayers UP! Because I REALLY don't want to do this!